My Office! Transformed! Holy Zen!

Fellow Citizens:

This week’s blog is about the office:

As most of you know, I’ve worked in an insurance office for 11 years. It’s a typical suburban office building – not very exciting. The interior is “Joe Versus the Volcano” (before the volcano adventure part and without Tom Hanks) – all gray and beige – with harsh fluorescent lighting, acoustic ceiling tiles and multi-color industrial carpet that still manages to show coffee stains. There’s a lot of metal, molded plastic and faux wood finish fixed between cubicle walls. The typical office erector set. The “art work” is fairly sad. The muted landscapes somehow make nature totally uninteresting. There are windows but the metal blinds stay tightly closed to shut out glare on computer screens and to block heat or cold in that the air conditioning/heating system is fickle. (It’s totally possible to simultaneously have freezing feet and sweaty armpits in this building.) Live plants have been banned for years due to pest control issues and to prevent the spread of a yet to be detected flesh-eating fungus. (We are an insurance company – our job is to minimize risk - a/k/a happiness - of all kinds.)

The front and back lobby and central atrium aren’t very welcoming even though there was an obvious attempt to upgrade with plush emerald green carpet, diamond-patterned ceramic tile and a few club chairs for visitors. Long ago there was an actual human stationed at the front desk. One out of three times she would smile when you walked in. (I took notes.) Now there are wall-mounted telephones in front of locked doors leading to the offices. The elevators strain to move up and down four floors. I’ve always envisioned an elevator donkey laboring in the control closet. Break rooms and bathrooms are functional (mostly) but faded. The lady’s room is equipped with a pink couch and an old-fashioned bathroom scale. The men don’t have a couch or a scale. I looked. Why? Most men (besides perhaps Larry Craig) don’t commingle in bathrooms. The vending machines are at least 30 years old. A dollar bill has been jammed in the coke machine for weeks. Not that I eat them often but most of the candy bars taste like sand. Coffee is no longer provided by the company. Sorry, you must arrive alert. In the break room, there is an old 19” television with rabbit ears. Employees catch a few minutes of “The Price is Right” (with Drew Carey) on break and a group of Field Ops Support clerks tune in to “One Life to Live” at lunch. Those are the only two programs available.

Please know that I am not complaining. Generic is good. Work is good. A paper bunker is good. I love beige. In this economy, it probably won’t last long.
Besides I have happy things at my desk:
“William” a blue ceramic Egyptian hippo as a gift from the MET,
Frog figurine in the lotus position (ohm),
Stone sleeping black cat that is actually intended to keep one’s chopstick from touching the table,
Orange “Elvis” koziol tape dispenser,
Persian mouse rug – well worn,
Kiehl’s deluxe hand lotion “grapefruit”,
Purell hand sanitizer (the company’s attempt to prevent spread of germs and sick days),
Modern desk clock from Target,
Sushi plate to hold my ink pad, date stamp, and assorted pens,
Georgia O’Keefe cube/wall calendar to record birthdays,
Generic company issued desk calendar used to record telephone messages and doodles,
World Wildlife Fund Baby Animals calendar to record important dates like trials, mediations, deadlines etc. (ok, so I’m calendar-crazy),
Clay paper clip holder handcrafted by Aaron in 5th grade,
Decorative ceramic tile from Oaxaca used as a coaster,
Important reference books including Black’s Law Dictionary, Office Yoga, The Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook (Work)*, and Girls Rule!,
5 X 7 photo of the ultimate in cuteness: niece Micah in denim dress and pink cowboy boots,
First aid kit (I get paper cuts and bleed often),
My favorite gum eraser with the quote “O hateful error” by Julius Caesar, and last but not least,
“Burnout” cartoon depicting a wolf staring (not howling) at the moon with the caption “Moon, Shmoon.”

Whoa. I didn’t realize I had so many happy things on my desk. Now back to the purpose of this blog. There have been very recent dramatic changes. The building was sold not long ago and we, the insurance office, now lease space versus own the entire building – and it shows. Things are now under the direction of new ownership and the building manager, Sparkle (not spackle). Sparkle has an eye for Zen. Yes, we had to put up with wrecking balls and wet paint…and the lobby smelled like a barn for three days (due to new plantings/organic fertilizer in the central atrium), but, wow, you should see the place.

The new and improved central atrium has a teak floor (it could be bamboo), a beautiful stone wall, a water feature, live plants, and best of all, hanging art! The art consists of large, wispy, white kite-like mobiles and new, mod beehive-shaped light features in the lobby. There’s more…a new break room on the first floor and a remodeled bathroom with no-touch soap dispensers and faucets, self-flushing toilets (goodbye, Purell!), stainless steel sinks and stall doors, fancy miniature tile back splash and ultra-cool lighting. I want to move my paper bunker into the bathroom.

I’m almost done. The next best things to the bathroom and kites are the state-of-the-art vending machines. They shine like golden idols. I kid you not, the “beverage” machine is stocked with Monsters, Red Bulls, bottled Frappuccino, five kinds of juices, Perrier, V-fusion, assorted diet colas, sports drinks etc. It’s high tech with low-touch buttons and there’s no bending over to blindly fish around for your drink inside the trap door while cramping your wrist. A waiter practically hands you the bottle. Insert $1 and voila! Speaking of blindness, the snack machine actually has Braille on the selection buttons (an ADA requirement?) and is stocked with fresh-looking, somewhat edible snacks and items like Ramen noodles (just add water). I spend at least 10 minutes a day just staring at the machines. I would say that we're on our way to becoming a “W” hotel. Would it be too much to ask for a roof-top bar and a bathroom sofa that folds into a “heavenly bed”?

Thank you, Sparkle!

Have a great weekend.

*Important work survival topics:

How to stay awake and not drool in a meeting,
How to deal with the co-worker/teller of bad jokes,
What to do if you become intoxicated at the office picnic,
And other helpful hints.

P.S. It’s just too nice so I’m sure we’ll be moving out soon.

CitizenB